So, who are these Watchmen anyway???

THE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO "THE WATCHMEN"

On March 6, Warner Bros. is unleashing the long-awaited film "The Watchmen," based on the Alan Moore/Dave Gibbons comic series-slash-collected graphic novel. Let's see, you've never read it. Hurmmmm. It's like only one of the most praised comic books ever and, oh, let's see -- it came out 23 years ago! Where ya been? 

Alright, maybe you were busy reading Harry Potter or Nietzsche or whatever. I hear ya. So that you don't walk into the movie theater stone-cold ignorant of what the story's all about, I've put together a handy little guide on who's who and what's what in the Watchiverse.

OK, smartypants, what IS The Watchmen?

It's a superhero team, wiseguy. The Watchmen monitor evildoing and crime from their suborbital satellite headquarters, The Watch Tower. Their superpowers come from the "Watches," mystical timepieces they have been given by the Guardian Watchers from a distant cosmos.

Wait, "Guardian Watchers," magic timepieces? Back up. WHO are the Watchmen?

There's five of them. They are...

The Comedian: His alter-ego is Ed Blake, who, before joining the team, was a just regular, fun-lovin' guy who liked to make people laugh, a real-life class clown. After being drafted and sent to Vietnam, he witnessed the horror of war, which he realizes is no joke. While on a tour of duty in Da Nang, he encounters a visiting extraterrestrial being known as a Watcher, who gives him a Watch that endows him with super-strength, super-speed and super-vision. After fighting the evildoers at war, he returns to America as The Comedian and vows to fight all evil, which he says is just "one big joke ... and I'm here to deliver the punchline."

Rorschach: Walt Kovacs is a criminal psychology student dedicated to studying the mind of the hardened, psychopathic criminals. One evening while visiting a former prison, he is possessed by the spirits of long-dead prisoners. To keep the prisoners from completely overtaking Kovacs' mind, a fellow university student gives him a mask made from "Phantom Phabric," which contains the spirits and keeps them from completely overtaking his body (The changing shapes on his mask are the evil spirits swirling in his mind). With his newfound innate understanding of evil, Kovacs dedicates his life to battling it as Rorschach. The Watchers are impressed by Kovacs' dedication to crimefighting and give him a Watch that gives him an added ability to "sense" evil.

Silk Spectre: Laurie Juspeczyk's mother was crimefighter who, hoping to pass the torch, trained her daughter to be the ultimate human being: strong, athletic, intelligent. One day, the young Laurie was abducted by aliens and taken to a faraway galaxy. The Watchers rescued her and, recognizing her noble qualities, gave her one of their Watches. She is returned to Earth as the new Silk Spectre, with a newfound ability to transform into a living ghost that can move through matter at will.

Nite Owl: Dan Dreiberg was an archaeologist on a dig in Greece when he stumbled upon an ancient tomb for the Forgotten Gods. There, he meets a wizard who bestows upon Dreiberg the power of flight. An admirer of birds (particularly owls) and a fan of old "Batman" comics, Dreiberg adopts the superhero identity of Nite Owl. He later augments his crimefighting arsenal with an array of "avian weaponry," including a computer-controlled Owl Ship. The Watchers later give him a Watch that gives him night vision, the ability to see in the dark.

Ozymandias: Adrian Veidt is a mild-mannered janitor, who, despite his poverty, is a caring, giving, selfless man. One night while cleaning a museum featuring an exhibit on ancient Egypt, Oswald accidentally knocks over a jewel belonging to the pharaoh Ramses the Great, unleashing the power within it. Unbeknownst to Veidt, the jewel is actually a 3000-year-old Watch and he is transformed into a super-intelligent man with great strength. He adopts Ramses' other name, Ozymandias, and vows to "bring the light of Good over the darkness of Evil." 

Dr. Manhattan: Jon Osterman is an ex-hippie who is now a New York "psycho-naut" who studies the depths of the human psyche and has become an erstwhile media celebrity (His constant presence on the New York TV show circuit earns him the moniker "Dr. Manhattan"). Osterman comes to believe that the path to battling evil is by having evildoers embrace love and affection -- even if it is by force. The only Watchman without superpowers (He actually refused a Watch from the Watchers!), Dr. Manhattan employs a Hallucino-Gun that delivers mind-bending drugs into his enemies. For example, some of Dr. Manhattan's combatants, when under the influence ofthe drugs, mistake him for a giant blue being or think they see three of him floating around. Silly, eh? But effective.

OK, so what's the story about?

Set in the 1980s, "The Watchmen" is one part political thriller, two parts sci-fi fantasy, three parts murder mystery, four parts metaphysical meditation -- and 20 parts kick-ass martial-arts action! On this Earth, Richard Nixon never resigned. In fact, he is now the self-declared Emperor of the United States, a vast consumer wasteland that is overrun with towering condominium towers, shopping malls and floating sky cities. The main thrust of the plot focuses on an invasion of Earth by aliens from a distant galaxy, led by their evil leader Moloch. Caught between the imperialist government of America and the fascist extraterrestrial invaders are the righteous Watchmen. The story is an homage to 1970s epic space-faring comic storylines that were common to "The Avengers," "Justice League Of America" and "Legion of Super-Heroes." 

Some readers have called it "The Matrix" meets "Birth of A Nation" as written by Philip K. Dick.

Wait, isn't there another superhero team in "The Watchmen"?

Yes, there was another (now defunct) team called The Minutemen, who fought crime in the 1940s. Founded by Johnny Minute -- a super-fast hero who can run from L.A. to Manhattan in a "New York minute" -- the team battled organized crime, aliens invaders and even Hitler, before mysteriously disappearing in the late 1950s. A "Watchmen" subplot focusing on The Minutemen is meant as a homage to '30s/40s/50s comics like "Justice Society of America" and "All-Star Comics."

Wait, I thought I saw a movie photo that shows Silk Spectre as a member of The Minutemen. WTF?

Yes, Silk Spectre's mother was a member of The Minutemen. Her powers are the opposite of her daughter's -- instead of being able to turn into a "living ghost," the first Silk Spectre can make other people incorporeal (Cool power!). Also, before The Comedian, there was another hero with the same name who was in The Minutemen. But they're not related in any way.

What's with the squid I keep hearing about?

That's not a squid, it only sorta looks like one. It's a monstrous, tentacled alien "brain giant" that can control the minds of large populations. It is sent to Earth by Moloch. In the film, there are supposedly hundreds of "squids" sent to Earth, some of which look like giant prawns or titanic crabs.

How do pirate comic books figure into the story?

In the world of "The Watchmen," superheroes are actually held in low regard, much like lawyers. Instead of superheroes, comic books gain popularity by focusing on pirate adventures. This in turn spawns pirate fashion, pirate pop songs, pirate movies, the whole panoply of pirate entertainment. Arrrggggh.

What's with the bloodstain-on-smiley-face image?

It's an iconic image from the series. It's not blood. There's a scene in the comic where a newspaper assistant spills ketchup on the smiley-face logo on the T-shirt he's wearing. It's meant to be a symbol of lost innocence. Or spilled condiments. I forget which.

Sounds kinda geeky. Why is every comic book fan ga-ga about this anyway?

Remember that first time you had sex and how that made your "adult" parts feel all nice? That's what happened to geeks when "Watchmen," er, came out back in 1986. Total mental comic-book orgasm. Everything that was cool about comics -- the superpowers, the high drama, the action, the scope and sweep of cosmic storylines, THE COSTUMES (hello) -- converged in those precious 12 issues. Much much better than reading Jane Austen.

That's it?

Well, there is a cool subplot that is considered sacred text to "Watchmen" fans. It involves the Watchmen visiting a parallel Earth with different versions of the main characters. On this Earth, the Comedian is an amoral assassin who himself was murdered; Rorschach is a grim, psychopathic urban vigilante; Silk Spectre is a crimefighter's daughter who is now bitter about being forced into the superhero business; Nite Owl is a retired, impotent second-generation crimefighter has-been; Dr. Manhattan is an indifferent, time-traveling quantum physicist who is actually the only super-powered hero in the world; and Ozymandias, a rich megalomaniac who has conceived a master plan to bring stability to the world. That alone would've made a cool movie.

There you go, you newfangled Watchie (That's what "Watchmen" fans call themselves). Everything you need to know about "Watchmen" without feeling totally lost. Need to know more? The sci-fi blog io9 has a good Q&A also, although I question some of its accuracy.

Comments

[WireBoy]

Pah, misnamed Chronicle Books was sold by Hearst 7 years ago, pah....

[NickyP]

No dissing Jane Austen! She's upgrading for the times, too. Coming April 15: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (http://www.chroniclebooks.com/index/main,book-info/store,books/products_id,7847/title,Pride-and-Prejudice-and-Zombies/). From Chronicle Books (if it still exists then)